Um... Hello!
Ah its you. I havent heard from you in awhile.
Yes well, I was... busy.
And you're not now?
No. Well. Actually, I had some questions.
Dont you always? What is it this time?
I still feel, somewhere, inside, where it counts I think, that it will all work out and things will go back to 'normal'.
And...
And well. I've never really felt that way before, and I wanted to know, what does it mean?
Why should it mean anything?
Well because! Its so profound, and unshakeable and.. and inherent. It must mean something!
Oh you mean that these feelings indicate that he is the one for you, and that the love you shared was special and would conquer all and eventually it has to work out because you were meant to be together?
Yes!! Is it true? Is that what they mean?
No.
Oh. Then...
Nothing. They mean nothing.
Nothing at all? Not even-
NOTHING.
{silence}
You love him. And you haven't quite stopped yet. Now, go get drunk and find a nice boy and a quiet corner. That should help.
Oh I... Umm, thank you.
Anytime.
Wednesday, 28 January 2009
Thursday, 22 January 2009
In Stone
In a beautiful house by a river in a land where the sun was always shining, a little girl lived all by herself. She had always lived there, at the edge of a beautiful forest with the happy little river, she could not remember a time before, and though she was alone she was not sad. She would often sit on the river bank and watch the water gurgle over the rocks and sand at the bottom and wonder idly what was on the other side. She had never left her side of the river, and knew nothing about what lay on the opposite bank. She would spend her day in a curious state of peace. Mostly staring at the sky and thinking of nothing. She would meander through the woods and the house, tracing the route she had taked the day before.
But when evening came, she would leave her house and walk a little way into the forest behind it. In the soft light of dusk she would stand before a marble tomb encrusted with moss and crumbling with age. As she stood there, not really knowing why she had come, the nothingness of the day would desert her, and she would suddenly be over come with emotion. She wondered why her heart felt so heavy and brimmed with so much pain. She tried to remember but the silent cruelty of the tomb banished her thoughts. Every night she decided never to visit the tomb again, but every evening, as the sun began to disappear into the trees she found herself walking into the woods. Something called to her, something that begged to be found, to be returned. To be forgiven.
But in her sleep she walked her life before. She walked along a wooded path dressed in black. She walked behind a train of silent people. She walked behind a beautiful stone sarcophagus. She walked across the river that would be her prison, she walked past the house that would be hers alone, she walked to the marble tomb, gleaming in the late afternoon sunlight and watched as they placed the Sarcophagus inside. She stood beside it before they settled the heavy stone lid. She stared down into the cold eyes, watching as a slow smile twisted the cold lips. Her heart screamed in pain and without a thought she ripped it from her chest and threw it into the stone coffin. Her pain dulled and after a year of fighting for peace and freedom, her mind slept. She stepped away from the sarcophagus and walked to her house, wondering at the cold laughter that followed her, unmoved at last by what lay inside the tomb.
And so she lived alone in her peaceful, beautiful house by the river. She never remembered her dreams and never thought of her future. She knew nothing about her past. She never felt sad, and she never felt alone. She never felt anything.
Except for a few moments every day, in the cool grey light at dusk, when she stood before the marble tomb and tried to ignore the agony that she had paid so much never to feel.
But when evening came, she would leave her house and walk a little way into the forest behind it. In the soft light of dusk she would stand before a marble tomb encrusted with moss and crumbling with age. As she stood there, not really knowing why she had come, the nothingness of the day would desert her, and she would suddenly be over come with emotion. She wondered why her heart felt so heavy and brimmed with so much pain. She tried to remember but the silent cruelty of the tomb banished her thoughts. Every night she decided never to visit the tomb again, but every evening, as the sun began to disappear into the trees she found herself walking into the woods. Something called to her, something that begged to be found, to be returned. To be forgiven.
But in her sleep she walked her life before. She walked along a wooded path dressed in black. She walked behind a train of silent people. She walked behind a beautiful stone sarcophagus. She walked across the river that would be her prison, she walked past the house that would be hers alone, she walked to the marble tomb, gleaming in the late afternoon sunlight and watched as they placed the Sarcophagus inside. She stood beside it before they settled the heavy stone lid. She stared down into the cold eyes, watching as a slow smile twisted the cold lips. Her heart screamed in pain and without a thought she ripped it from her chest and threw it into the stone coffin. Her pain dulled and after a year of fighting for peace and freedom, her mind slept. She stepped away from the sarcophagus and walked to her house, wondering at the cold laughter that followed her, unmoved at last by what lay inside the tomb.
And so she lived alone in her peaceful, beautiful house by the river. She never remembered her dreams and never thought of her future. She knew nothing about her past. She never felt sad, and she never felt alone. She never felt anything.
Except for a few moments every day, in the cool grey light at dusk, when she stood before the marble tomb and tried to ignore the agony that she had paid so much never to feel.
Wednesday, 21 January 2009
Three Steps to the Right
I made a choice recently, to leave someone I love a great deal. Not because there is something better out there, but because, though I loved him, he made me more unhappy than I have ever been. He acquired a job that he loved, that meant he would be out of town for long periods of time. It meant that I would have to live alone in our house, in what was effectively a different city from where my friends and family lived, for weeks at a time if not more. This is not a relationship worth keeping. I have wondered if I made a mistake, if I should have just sucked it up and dealt with the misery.
I started reading a blog, written by, well not a friend, but someone I know, and she writes of her life, and her husband who travels constantly. She writes of how difficut it is to trust him, how alone and miserable she feels, how she has had to harden her heart and sterngthen her independance to keep misery at bay. I read what she is saying and I can see what my life would have been like if I had stayed. I never want to be as alone as she sounds.
I started reading a blog, written by, well not a friend, but someone I know, and she writes of her life, and her husband who travels constantly. She writes of how difficut it is to trust him, how alone and miserable she feels, how she has had to harden her heart and sterngthen her independance to keep misery at bay. I read what she is saying and I can see what my life would have been like if I had stayed. I never want to be as alone as she sounds.
Tuesday, 20 January 2009
Mrs. Asshole or Ms. Nobody?
I recently read an interview with actor turned politician Sanjay Dutt, in the Delhi Times. Being a tabloid-ish newspaper, the Delhi Times did not ask him about the elections he was hoping to win, or even about his acting career, they asked him about the supposed feud between his sisters and his wife. The alleged feud apparently did not exist, but Mr. Dutt felt the need to stress his version of family values.
He felt that women have one basic function. They get married, move to their new family, adopt their name and take on the responsibilities that running the family entail. He went on to say that he disapproved the new ‘fashion’ of women keeping their ‘parents’ last names after marriage, it was insulting to the man they had married and at odds with their place as the beast of domestic burden in their new ‘family’.
Alright I added the beast of burden bit, but the rest was pretty much a direct quote. It left me speechless. I was so upset on so many different levels I wasn’t quite sure how to articulate my anger. In order to make sense, I am applying GRE essay techniques to his interview.
The first issue of course is his view of the woman leaving her family behind and joining her new, true family, her in laws. Is that how defines women? A being to incorporate into a family to assume its responsibilities? Not even a General Manager, because they have some status, but a Housekeeper with benefits? As this is her only function, she obviously needs no identity separate from that of her husbands, which brings us to issue number 2, the change of the last name.
It clearly escaped the magnanimous Mr. Dutt’s notice, but his wife’s parent’s last name was also her last name. In allowing her to use his name he seems to forget that beyond being his wife or their daughter, she is herself. A person with, hopefully, a personality that has nothing to do with either of her two families. Why is it that women must sacrifice everything, down to their own identity, to be successful wives? They leave their families, they assume new duties, they have to bear and raise the children, they have to make sure that their husband’s lives are free from any trivial, irritating domestic problems. I have often heard these nameless women described as the power behind the throne, but honestly that is just such rubbish. Why must they be behind the throne? Why can’t they rule and let their husbands bring them chai and do the laundry?
A boyfriend once told people that my role in his stressful, challenging career was making sure that he got up in the morning and made it to his meetings on time. Apart from being completely untrue (for the most part I would lie in bed and watch him stagger around in the early morning light, if I bothered to wake up at all), his proudly claiming that I was a domestic Super Queen completely poleaxed me. For starters, I wasn't. And I wasn't even in training or anything, I mean I had no intention of ever being a domestic anything. I had no idea that he felt this should be his girlfriends function in his career. Worse, all the times I had utilized my intelligence to actually help him were not only forgotten, but completely irrelevant. Why is it that a woman’s worth is defined by how much easier she makes her husbands life? How well she runs her house, and how happy her husband is because of it?
Mr. Dutt’s views were traumatic. It made me realize how deeply ingrained they are in todays Indian society. And whats worse is that he will probably win the fucking election.
He felt that women have one basic function. They get married, move to their new family, adopt their name and take on the responsibilities that running the family entail. He went on to say that he disapproved the new ‘fashion’ of women keeping their ‘parents’ last names after marriage, it was insulting to the man they had married and at odds with their place as the beast of domestic burden in their new ‘family’.
Alright I added the beast of burden bit, but the rest was pretty much a direct quote. It left me speechless. I was so upset on so many different levels I wasn’t quite sure how to articulate my anger. In order to make sense, I am applying GRE essay techniques to his interview.
The first issue of course is his view of the woman leaving her family behind and joining her new, true family, her in laws. Is that how defines women? A being to incorporate into a family to assume its responsibilities? Not even a General Manager, because they have some status, but a Housekeeper with benefits? As this is her only function, she obviously needs no identity separate from that of her husbands, which brings us to issue number 2, the change of the last name.
It clearly escaped the magnanimous Mr. Dutt’s notice, but his wife’s parent’s last name was also her last name. In allowing her to use his name he seems to forget that beyond being his wife or their daughter, she is herself. A person with, hopefully, a personality that has nothing to do with either of her two families. Why is it that women must sacrifice everything, down to their own identity, to be successful wives? They leave their families, they assume new duties, they have to bear and raise the children, they have to make sure that their husband’s lives are free from any trivial, irritating domestic problems. I have often heard these nameless women described as the power behind the throne, but honestly that is just such rubbish. Why must they be behind the throne? Why can’t they rule and let their husbands bring them chai and do the laundry?
A boyfriend once told people that my role in his stressful, challenging career was making sure that he got up in the morning and made it to his meetings on time. Apart from being completely untrue (for the most part I would lie in bed and watch him stagger around in the early morning light, if I bothered to wake up at all), his proudly claiming that I was a domestic Super Queen completely poleaxed me. For starters, I wasn't. And I wasn't even in training or anything, I mean I had no intention of ever being a domestic anything. I had no idea that he felt this should be his girlfriends function in his career. Worse, all the times I had utilized my intelligence to actually help him were not only forgotten, but completely irrelevant. Why is it that a woman’s worth is defined by how much easier she makes her husbands life? How well she runs her house, and how happy her husband is because of it?
Mr. Dutt’s views were traumatic. It made me realize how deeply ingrained they are in todays Indian society. And whats worse is that he will probably win the fucking election.
Thursday, 8 January 2009
With this body I thee worship...
Ever since the demise of my almost marriage, I have found myself deeply fascinated by married couples my age. Luckily for me, it seems as if all my classmates are determined to be married this year, and I am blessed with a huge abundance of people to wonder at. I have spent hours on Facebook, studying photographs and conversations, trying to discern... Well, I'm not exactky sure what it is about these people that interests me so fiercely. I suppose I feel that I can find the answers to my problems in their relationships.
What was it that made them sure that they were ready for marriage? That this person was the right one? How did they know? Every boyfriend I have ever had, (except one) has asked me to marry him, and with most I haven't even considered the option. Even now, though I had said yes, I wasn't a hundred percent sure. I had my doubts, and I knew that many things would have to change before I would wholeheartedly open my mind to marriage. It seems to me, in light of the nuptials taking place in everyone elses lives, that I am the only one who isn't satisfied with what I have.
I am holding out for the impossible? Am I the fool, to want so much from a relationship before i accept that it is ready for marriage? Or are they the fools, for settling for a relationship that may not be perfect? Or are they all universally blessed with the perfect lover and I still haven't found mine?
What was it that made them sure that they were ready for marriage? That this person was the right one? How did they know? Every boyfriend I have ever had, (except one) has asked me to marry him, and with most I haven't even considered the option. Even now, though I had said yes, I wasn't a hundred percent sure. I had my doubts, and I knew that many things would have to change before I would wholeheartedly open my mind to marriage. It seems to me, in light of the nuptials taking place in everyone elses lives, that I am the only one who isn't satisfied with what I have.
I am holding out for the impossible? Am I the fool, to want so much from a relationship before i accept that it is ready for marriage? Or are they the fools, for settling for a relationship that may not be perfect? Or are they all universally blessed with the perfect lover and I still haven't found mine?
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