The BIG question

I was not one of those popular kids at school. I was friends with the popular kids, for awhile anyway, but I was never one of those girls. You know who I'm talking about. As a child, one often attributes this decided lack of coolness, to one factor, that through its existence has ruined yours. For me, it was my glasses.

I acquired my first pair at the tender age of seven. I have notoriously bad eyes, and I often got attention at parties by convincing people to put on my glasses for a lark. My reasoning was quite clear, if a little pathetic. The boy wearing my glasses would exclaim with amazement at how warped his vision had become and call other boys to exclaim over it, and I could stand there in the midst of the excited chatter, without glasses and therefore obviously looking stunning. Of course, boys at any age are assholes, so I would invariably never get my glasses back, or at least not in one piece, and though I would be delighted at having to exist bare faced for at least a few hours, I soon realised that knocking into furniture and tripping over things are not exactly the most effective way to attract the opposite sex.

Time went on and the mild dislike I felt for my glasses turned into out and out hatred. Till this day I will do anything to avoid wearing them at all. Don't get me wrong, this is not a tale of heartless bullying. In all my years at school no one actually even mentioned my glasses, but as I turned thirteen my lack of a love life was clearly a result of the glasses perched on the bridge of my nose.

For years, I had begged my parents for contact lenses. I was always denied of course. Too young, too poor, too terrible at the studies to deserve them, but finally, at the advanced age of fourteen, they gave in, and I was able to assume my destiny as the pretty girl at long last.

Well not quite. I still wasn’t terribly popular, and I found myself, with the advent of my contact lense wearing phase, subject to a new and considerably more worrying problem. At fourteen, the only kind of sex I was familiar with was the Mills & Boon kind. Coitus was described in the most romantic terms, with euphemisms that included heat like the heart of the sun and the rhythmic pounding of the waves. And at the end of the umm, session, when the Earth had stopped moving and the afterglow was in full swing, the lovers invariably fell into deep, happily exhausted sleep, their naked bodies still entwined. This was how it always happened, and as far as I knew, it was the only way. There is no arguing with this rule.

Thus I was faced with a most unique problem. As any Contact Lense Wearer (CLW) will tell you, you are not allowed to sleep with your contact lenses on. If you do, or so you are told, your eyes will start to rot and the Devil's own eagle will pluck them out of your skull and you will be blind forever. There is no arguing with this rule. To my fourteen year old mind, it presented an insurmountable obstacle. Say, just say, that one day someone would want to have sex with me. Should I take my lenses off before hand and risk stepping on something important? How much before hand? How would I judge that we were in fact going to have sex? What if I was wrong and had to pretend I wasn’t blind for the rest of the day? Or should I just pretend to go to sleep and slink out of bed to the bathroom after a sufficient amount of time had passed and I could be sure he was asleep? Or just stay awake all night and take them off in the morning when he wasn’t looking, and then put them back on again?

This question consumed me. What do I do with the Lenses? I would lay awake at night and plan, trying to come up with the most feasible plan possible. I researched expensive imported ‘gas permeable’ lenses that allowed the CLW a few hours of sleep while in use, and begged my parents to buy me those instead, though I was much to embarrassed to tell them why. They said no obviously…

It is now becoming slightly clearer, why I wasn’t all that popular in high school.