Too Strange to Title

I have always known that I was not the most ummm, emotionally balanced person. I have crazy mood swings, am often crippled by sudden, inexplicable terror and driven by irrational and obsessive emotions. This has been a problem of course, but having developed my psychosis at a young age I also managed to develop great strength of will, so as to keep myself under control and my insanity a secret from everyone. I have gotten so good at it, that I managed even to fool myself.

This last year, 2009 was not a good one. Many things happened that were traumatic and disturbing, though I have no wish to go into the details, even just with myself. However, I managed to keep it together ("with a little help from my friends", without whom I would have killed myself years ago. This is a tangent and a rather random one, but these people, in my life who love me despite how terrible I often am at being their friend, I could never frame the words to explain what they mean to me. Which is rather depressing as I believe I am a writer.) and as the New Year progressed I felt that things had stabilized. I even managed to convince myself that some of my more serious obsessions were in fact harmless, that I was taking only a brief hiatus from the world of the living and the thinking and as soon as I got myself together I would be back out there, as happy as I have always been.

Late in the year 2009 I became single for the first time since I was sixteen. I told everyone, and myself, that having jumped the sinking ship that was my last relationship, I had no desire to see what else was swimming in the sea with me. Almost a decade of near constant boyfriends had given me a craving for the single life, and perhaps I would emerge on the other side of it with an ability to fall in love with something other than scum.

It turns out that was all an elaborate lie. I don't mean that I am desperate to find a boyfriend and can't stand being alone (Oh I'm not saying I'm not lonely, having been 'with' someone for most of my adult life I find it very difficult to adjust to a 'single' mind frame, though I think that its just a matter of practice) I find now that I am terrified of starting a new relationship. I am, for the first time since I was fifteen, scared of boys. Of talking to them, of saying the wrong thing, of making a move or taking the next step. And I have met a few lovely men who I believe, in the calm, safe moments in front of my computer, would have been incredible to have in my life. But when they are standing in front of me, asking me to have dinner with them I feel an inexplicable urge to run. And then I do.

Today, I was faced with a poignant wake up call (in a rather becoming blue t-shirt) and it occurred to me that I was in fact, completely mental. I seem to have left the world of reason, of even caring for the concept of reason, far behind me. And I know that I could sort it out, but I don't seem to want to. If I take a step back, and try to analyse why it is that I am losing my mind, the image wont stay still. It will twist and shimmer and dart around, not wanting to be scrutinised. I am not sure what it is, that my subconscious has so determinedly repressed and why it is so afraid of my trying to dig it up. But I am afraid too. It must be really terrible.

My apologies for the rant.

Hair Today

I spent two hours in a High End Luxury Salon having a Hair Spa Treatment yesterday. There are two hours of my life I'm never getting back.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the treatment was very good for my hair. As the polished lady in charge told me, the intensive dura-enhancement therapie would fill in the gaps between the protein in each strand of my hair caused by the uneven tilt in the Earth's axis, which is worsened by the increasing frequency of the solar storms on the surface of the sun. Okay she didn't really say that, but her explanation was just as incomprehensible.

I emerged from the experience rather bemused by the whole concept. Classified as a luxury treatment, and certainly priced as one at Rs. 2600 (but we will come to that later), the entire process involved a man with rather extravagant hair rubbing various types of goo into my tresses while I tried to read an outdated Vogue with my neck in an unbearably awkward angle. He then proceeded to tell me I was graying at an alarming rate, something I already knew but always appreciate being reminded of by complete strangers. And why do these places believe that if the air conditioning isn't low enough to make penguins don parka's and mufflers they will lose their luxury status? They may not be aware of this, but freezing your clients balls off (I know this doesn't apply to me exactly, but 'freezing your tits off' just doesn't convey the scope and suffering of it quite as well) is not considered a hallmark of luxury. Though they did offer me tea OR coffee and I suppose variety in the free beverage department is a step in the right direction, and there were a multitude of Plasma TV's showing... Well I don't know know what they were showing because I spent the majority of my two hour treatment staring straight up at the ceiling. Now if they had a Plasma TV up there I would have been impressed. Instead I now know exactly how many lights there are on the ceiling of the therapy room (six), how many of them work (five), where the plaster is cracking (top left corner) and a number of other irrelevant details I am afraid I may have committed to memory forever.

Anyway, the goo came on, there was a little head massage which was nice, and then the goo came off. And that was it. Oh admittedly my hair is now all sleek and shiny (see image below), so I suppose it's not all bad, but I simply cannot comprehend how someone, ANYONE, would be willing to part with two and a half K to have goo rubbed into their hair and then rinsed off. I, of course, was there on a freebie, but I can assure you that had I been paying for it I would have been cranky. Err. Crankier.

I suppose I am being unkind, it wasn't completely unbearable. The staff were by and large lovely people, and they were attentive and accommodating and clearly very well trained. I just think our concepts of luxury are irreconcilable. When someone offers me luxury I imagine, at the very least, being draped in satin and being fed fat free yet delicious chocolate cupcakes by scantily dressed male athletes who proceed to rub warm, aromatic oil all over me. Though in retrospect I suppose that may be asking too much of any salon not based out of ancient Greece.

The Time of SItara

PROLOGUE

The land of Sitara had been the blessed jewel of the ancient gods for centuries. Divinely patronised and guided it grew in prosperity and happiness- Three great nations ruled by a line of kings descended from the gods themselves. However, men touched by the blood of the gods are still only men, and nothing will go well for long before some men feel they are more blessed than others. Sitara dissolved into civil war. The divine royal house of Arth was all but destroyed and the great land of Sitara splintered into smaller kingdoms that soon began fighting each other. The laws, magic and government of Sitara faded from the memory of its war ravaged people. It passed into myth and legend. And their greatest weapon and treasure, the true secret of their success, the flame of their peoples hope was forgotten, awaiting the return of the true kings of the stars.
The greater continent of Sitara had changed dramatically over the thousand years after the war. Not only had the invisible borders devised by men twisted and re-positioned themselves, but the land itself had changed. Coastline had submerged, new islands were created and mountains were thrust up towards the ever watchful eye of the green Sitara sky. The ancient kingdoms of Samarth, Tur Kirrin and Adila passed into myth and legend, and their ancient lines of kings disappeared into obscurity. Khalikha and Isiijekh, the God and Goddess of the beginning and the end hid in their homes in the sky. Their children, numerous and quarrelsome, reigned over humans, animals and amars, indulging in war after war to satisfy their sibling animosity.
So one thousand years after the fall of the mighty kingdom of Samarth and her sister kingdoms of Tur Kirrin and Adila, the continent of Sitara had splintered into five smaller states and the divine blood that flowed in their royal houses disappeared into the dust of oblivion.



One Thousand Years Later

One thousand years later, there was movement in the middle of Uth-Vardentull, now called the Isle of Nothing. It was here; a thousand years ago the last king of Samarth had been killed. A mischievous wind began blowing, and in its wake was revealed the last true artefact of the long forgotten kingdoms. A plush velvet padded chair- it kept solitary vigil from the top of a large moss covered rock. No one ever passed through this particular part of the deserted island, but if they had they would have stopped and goggled at the sight. The chair was so strange that one may just have missed the old man who sat hunched amongst its purple cushions. He wasn’t really much of a sight, a toothless old man in a brown sack with a stick, but those people, if they had ever made it to this part of the island would have been deeply moved by the look of determination on his face. It is hard to imagine being determined about a stick and a chair, no matter how nice the chair is, but this man had a purpose. He was a watchdog, left behind by an ancient police force, to wait for the birth of a catharsis. And it is on the day that his wait finally ended that this story begins. The old man left his chair for the first time in seven hundred years and began to walk slowly toward civilisation.

The capital of Isharth was the lively city of Athakhaan, and two days into the old mans journey it witnessed the birth of a new and rather unimportant prince. The gluttonous and self-indulgent king of Isharth had numerous wives, and a son born of a lesser queen was rarely regarded as something worth getting excited about. Worse, the lesser queen in question was Ithaca, a vaguely noble girl whose bloodline was cluttered and unclear and whose sea blue eyes were completely vacant. The day was warm and the delivery difficult and Ithaca endured both the heat and the pain without expression. She struggled with the contractions, and a few moments after giving birth she died as quietly as she had lived. The child however was a different matter.

The old man trekked across the island and with the same calmness trekked across the sea. He reached the northern shores of Isharth, after a brief stop at the Frigga Islands, and found himself in the newly destroyed fortified city of Lytalia. Lytalia had been rebuilt and destroyed numerous times, because it was very susceptible to pirate raids. In fact she was raided so often that she had stopped functioning as a trading port centuries ago. There were no merchants in this part of Isharth; there were no tourists either, because they all went to the port of Wardhak three kilometres down the coast, but the city port of Lytalia was rebuilt every time it was destroyed. The old man, who we shall call TOM, reached its harbours after a particularly successful pirate raid and watched its rebuilding in a wise stupor. He didn’t offer the obvious advice to the bedraggled Lytalians, because TOM was a man who knew a good curse when he saw one. The Lytalians were doomed to rebuild their city and watch it be destroyed until someone somewhere in the endless bureaucracy of Isharth surveyed the area and told them to move the hell on out. He knew that common sense would not prevail over the glitter over of a notarised document, so he held his tongue and moved on. It had taken him 10 years of steady walking to reach Lytalia; another three days brought him to the wealthy town of Cromagna. Cromagna was an immense glowing point of humanity. It sprawled endlessly around the palace of Luskara Samitha Derish, and extended for kilometres in every direction. Cromagna was the city of the rich and wealthy. There was no place for the poor. The rich were not to be troubled by the plight of the poor, and the result was a city eerily free of the downtrodden. The wide tree lined boulevards were occupied by impressive large white buildings and their purpose was proclaimed by thick golden letters painted on the front. Cromagnians used the elegant curving script of ancient Sitara (well actually not so ancient, but it wouldn’t do to admit it), and because it looked so very grand on their white buildings their names tended to be much longer than necessary. For instance, the library was known as the “Great Hall Of Numerous Sheaf’s Of Paper Bound Together And Stacked On Shelves” and so on. The gates of the massive white city were guarded by tall Amars called Lambais

TAG (Feel Free to Take it On)

A
- Available: I'm never really sure.
- Age: 25
- Annoyance: Shrill female voices.
- Animal: Dogs and Dragons

B
- Beer: YECH. We hate Beer.
- Birthday/Birthplace: November 13/New Delhi
- Body Part on opposite sex: Chest and Shoulders
- Best feeling in the world: Ah. I believe I will keep that to myself.
- Blind or Deaf: Blind. (I think, I'm not sure what this is about really)
- Best weather: Rain and stormy, gray skies.
- Been in Love: I would like to think so.
- Been on stage?: Yes, often. I love it.
- Believe in yourself?: Hmmm. I am reserving judgment.
- Believe in life on other planets: Yes. Without a shadow of a doubt.
- Believe in miracles: Ummm. Maybe? I'm open to the idea.
- Believe in Magic: Ooh yes. Wizards and Jedi type people.
- Believe in God: Err. Unconsciously.

C
- Car: BMW
- Candy: Milk Chocolate.
- Color: Black, Orange and Purple. Not all together though.
- Cried in school: Hmmm, you know I cant remember crying in school. I must have, but I cant remember.
- Chocolate/Vanilla: Chocolate.
- Country to visit: Greece, Egypt, South America (I know its not a country, but there are too many there).

D
- Day or Night: Night.
- Danced: Only in private.
- Dance in the rain?: YES.
- Do the splits?: No. Ick.

E
- Eggs: Scrambled, with cheese and toast and bacon and sausages. Mmmmm.
- Eyes: Yes Please.
- Everyone has: Eyes?

F
- First crush: Abhimanyu Chopra, In First Grade.
- First thoughts waking up: Gaaaaaahhhh.... chai...
- Food: Oh god, the love of my life I think is food. It shows too.
- Greatest Fear: Anonymity
- Giver or taker: Sharer?
- Goals: A few, the most embarrassing was an own goal in the eleventh grade.
- Get along with your parents?: Always, they are my best friends.

H
- Hair Colour: Brown/Black
- Height: 5'10"
- Happy: Meh.
- How do you want to die: Hmmm... Happy? No too general. Asleep.
- Health freak?: Nope.
- Hate: Often, but for short periods of time.

I
- Ice Cream: Chocolate chip cookie dough hot fudge.
- Instrument: Tambourine?

J
- Jewelry: Rings!! I love my rings.
- Job: I don't believe in them.

K
- Kids: Never. Will rip my own uterus out first.
- Kickboxing or karate: Neither?
- Keep a journal?: Does a blog count?

L
- Love: I will never turn it away.
- Laughed so hard you cried: Yes, and I grin every time I think about them.
- Love at first sight: I didn't used to believe.

M
- Mooned anyone?: Flashed people, does that count?
- Marriage: Very bad idea.
- Motion sickness?: Yes, any kind of motion at all.

N
- Number of Siblings: None
- Number of Piercings: None

O
- One wish: If I say it out loud, it wont come true.

P
- Place you'd like to live: Sicily.
- Perfect Pizza: Every kind of meat possible with extra cheese and jalapeno peppers.
- Pepsi/Coke: Orange juice.

Q
- Questionaires: Kinda fun.

R
- Reason to cry: Vaguely soppy movie/book/Ad/emotion
- Reality T.V.: Stupid.
- Roll your tongue in a circle: And then?

S
- Song: Lips of an Angel - Hinder
- Shoe size: 9
- Slept outside: In a tent?
- Seen a dead body? Yes. I live in Delhi.
- Smoked?: Yes. Often
- Skinny dipped?: Heeheehee noooo.
- Shower daily?: Yep
- Sing well?: Nope.
- In the shower?: Occasionally
- Swear?: Wait, do I swear in the shower?
- Stuffed Animals?: I am a stuffed animal. Can't you tell?
- Single/Group dates: Both?
- Strawberries/Blueberries: Strawberries. With sugar and cream and mmmmm....
- Scientists need to invent: A head and heart separator. Because mine are too close. I don't mean a neck. I mean a metaphorical Head and Heart separator.

T
- Time for bed: Usually post 2 AM. Sigh.
- Thunderstorms: Yes. Lots. All the time.
- TV: Bones, House, How I Met Your Mother.
- Touch your tongue to your nose: Why?

U
- Unpredictable: Cows. I know it doesn't make any sense.

V
- Vegetable you hate: All the Lauki-Tinda family type. And the Karela.
- Vegetable you love: Bhindi. Mmmmmm.
- Vacation spot: Europe, Somewhere in.

W
- Weakness: Husky voiced, broad shouldered... Weakness? I don't have any weakness'.
- When you grow up: Never!
- Worst feeling: When you now you're out of smokes and there is nothing you can do about it.
- Wanted to be a model?: A model what? Aeroplane? Citizen?
- Where do we go when we die: King's Cross, obviously.
- Worst weather: Muggy cloudy-ness.

X
-X-Rays: Errr... No thank you?

Y
-Year it is now: 2010
- Yellow: Buttercup?

Z
- Zoo animal: None! There shouldn't be any animals in zoo's. Zoo's are bad.
- Zodiac sign: Scorpio.