Too Strange to Title

I have always known that I was not the most ummm, emotionally balanced person. I have crazy mood swings, am often crippled by sudden, inexplicable terror and driven by irrational and obsessive emotions. This has been a problem of course, but having developed my psychosis at a young age I also managed to develop great strength of will, so as to keep myself under control and my insanity a secret from everyone. I have gotten so good at it, that I managed even to fool myself.

This last year, 2009 was not a good one. Many things happened that were traumatic and disturbing, though I have no wish to go into the details, even just with myself. However, I managed to keep it together ("with a little help from my friends", without whom I would have killed myself years ago. This is a tangent and a rather random one, but these people, in my life who love me despite how terrible I often am at being their friend, I could never frame the words to explain what they mean to me. Which is rather depressing as I believe I am a writer.) and as the New Year progressed I felt that things had stabilized. I even managed to convince myself that some of my more serious obsessions were in fact harmless, that I was taking only a brief hiatus from the world of the living and the thinking and as soon as I got myself together I would be back out there, as happy as I have always been.

Late in the year 2009 I became single for the first time since I was sixteen. I told everyone, and myself, that having jumped the sinking ship that was my last relationship, I had no desire to see what else was swimming in the sea with me. Almost a decade of near constant boyfriends had given me a craving for the single life, and perhaps I would emerge on the other side of it with an ability to fall in love with something other than scum.

It turns out that was all an elaborate lie. I don't mean that I am desperate to find a boyfriend and can't stand being alone (Oh I'm not saying I'm not lonely, having been 'with' someone for most of my adult life I find it very difficult to adjust to a 'single' mind frame, though I think that its just a matter of practice) I find now that I am terrified of starting a new relationship. I am, for the first time since I was fifteen, scared of boys. Of talking to them, of saying the wrong thing, of making a move or taking the next step. And I have met a few lovely men who I believe, in the calm, safe moments in front of my computer, would have been incredible to have in my life. But when they are standing in front of me, asking me to have dinner with them I feel an inexplicable urge to run. And then I do.

Today, I was faced with a poignant wake up call (in a rather becoming blue t-shirt) and it occurred to me that I was in fact, completely mental. I seem to have left the world of reason, of even caring for the concept of reason, far behind me. And I know that I could sort it out, but I don't seem to want to. If I take a step back, and try to analyse why it is that I am losing my mind, the image wont stay still. It will twist and shimmer and dart around, not wanting to be scrutinised. I am not sure what it is, that my subconscious has so determinedly repressed and why it is so afraid of my trying to dig it up. But I am afraid too. It must be really terrible.

My apologies for the rant.