The Leap, to Death

Why do men have to lie?

I have always trusted the men in my life, simply because I believe that attempting a relationship without that basic element in place is stupid. If you can't trust the person you're with you're going to be miserable, and so its not worth being with them at all. And this worked very well for me, I had numerous relationships where I was never plagued by the stress of having to worry about what my partner wasn't telling me. I believed that I was being told everything relevant. Until of course I discovered that I wasn't.

Being on the receiving end of that kind of dishonesty is heartbreaking. God it is so painful you want to rip your heart out and set it on fire just to make the pain stop. It isn't the infidelity as much as the knowledge that something you gave your heart and soul to was a lie. That every time you smiled at the person sharing your life they were smiling at someone else in exactly the same way, that the love which enveloped you and made you believe you were a part of something magical was just a ruse to trick you into letting your guard down. That the time you spent curled up together, speaking softly late into the night, fingers entwined, your heart bursting with the intensity of your feelings for each other was just a hollow pretense, tainted by their absolute disrespect for something that should have been sacred. That the way your heart would leap at the thought of seeing them and touching them was a farce, it was just you being a fool in love with someone who was pretending they felt the same way. The emotion, the feeling, the promises that you make to someone you are in a relationship with should be sacrosanct. They should be pure and unsullied by the sordidness of lies and deception and sexual gratification. And when you find out it wasn't it kills you, slowly, piece by piece by you can feel yourself dying inside. And you can never trust the way you used to. That's the worst part of being lied to by someone you trusted completely, you are cursed to a lifetime of wondering if you are being made a fool of again.

I have never felt this kind of panic, never felt this lost or used or swamped by a nameless terror. I have no proof that I'm being lied to again, all I have are the smallest rumours, and I find myself cold and shaking with fear. I am terrified that I am going to have to go through that hell one more time and the thought makes me want to curl up and cry my heart out. The way I refused to do the first time it happened. This time will be so much worse.