It's almost two in the morning, and I'm smoking cigarette butts from a nearly empty ashtray. The game, that should have been engrossing is fading away, and I am left to wonder, as I have so many times in the past, what I'm looking for.
It isn't that I'm alone here, I can do better than just handle aloneness, I love it. I am not awake and restless because there is no one to share my bed tonight, or even the house.
I think, in the dazed, fuzzy yet startlingly insightful way one can in the wee hours of the morning, that I don't know how to not be in love. So I am forcing the issue with Ekat, or rather forcing it with myself so I can obsess about him, of which I am now thoroughly bored. He is a truly amazing man, but just not twisted enough to give me the fodder I need for proper obsession. Too straightforward and uncomplicated (for which I am of course at some level incredibly grateful, having much experience with men who lap up my obsession and let me imprison myself in it).
Though I don't give up easily and have spent the last four hours quietly formulating the best way to be horrifically upset in the coming days. I have discovered, unfortunately, that I'm bored of this too, and it depresses me that I don't really care. Not about him, or us or where we are going or any of that.
So I'm awake. The match just finished (United won if anyone's wondering), I'm out of cigarette butts. And my thoughts have no one to caress.
1 comment:
very nice
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